Thoughts: Hoping

The light falls on the canopy. Gray buildings rush past my field of vision, the clouds a dark, intimidating hue of blue. I wonder if it will rain...

It was the day of the NMAT and everyone was in high spirits. Well... most of them I think. The car I was in slowed down to a halt. Regine, who was beside me, was busy reading Physics. I couldn't care any less. Cramming information into my brain now won't be of any use. 

The street was brimming with vehicles of all shapes and sizes, carrying one or a whole group. Students all over Manila were rushing in to get to their assigned rooms. Some decided to spend their time reading up. They were seated on stone benches browsing over worn out notebooks with pages covered with ink smudges. I guess those notebooks dated back three years ago and saw the light of day only weeks before. 

"I wonder how I would do?" that was the only thing that kept on running in my head days prior. Would it have made any difference if I studied? Would I still feel this unease? I wasn't feeling well at all. I had a headache, and my stomach was being rather cruel. "Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten breakfast..." 

I got down the car. We decided to cover the remaining distance on foot. My friends and I made our way to the Information Desk to meet up with the others. There were two of us who'll be taking it the first time, the rest were doing it the second time. Only one was at her third take, in hopes of getting a 99+.

"Should we go to our room?" I asked, after getting pencils from Kim.

Regine nodded and the group split up, agreeing to rendezvous at lunch in one of the kiosks behind the hospital. 

"This is the building, right?" we were assigned to Albertus Magnus. 

"AMV... could be the Accountancy building." having checked the campus blueprint, with the testing areas shaded, it must be AMV.

But it wasn't. We had to go farther down the Accountancy building to get to Albertus Magnus. 

"Someone doesn't want me to take the NMAT." I joked. Why wasn't it shaded and indicated on the map? 

Since Regine's room was on the second floor, we separated. "Room 319." 

UST has a weird way of assigning room numbers. The room before mine was 317. 318 was on the other side. "I wonder why..."

I waited out along with other students. I don't know from what school they were from, I wasn't even sure if they were still students! There were those who looked like they were already working. They could be taking the NMAT for fun or they just realized at their age what it is that they wanted to do. The moment of self-realization comes later in others, I guess. 

Well, at least that moment comes. Better late than never. I'm still at a loss at what I want to do. But I have a rough sketch of what it is I want to accomplish. For me, there's a difference between what you want to do and what you want to happen. Whatever you want to happen you can make happen regardless of what you do. Just make it a point to always have that objective in mind. 

I want to inform. I want people to be updated. I want to discover something new that is beneficial to human kind. How to make that happen is up to me if I want to make it happen. There should be a want, a desire, to make it real.

Let's say I can't be a doctor. Let's say I can't be a researcher. But since I have such goals I want to be realized, whatever profession I can make it work. 

So I guess there's nothing much to worry about. Things might not go according to plan, but who knows? Eventually they might. Progress is slow, but it doesn't mean nothing's changing. Minimal but moving. I guess those who appeared to be working and took the NMAT were those people who couldn't wait anymore. Like what another friend of mine said, "We cannot delay gratification." We need to see change. I think it is only through that we gain assurance. Assurance that we are doing something worth it.

I might reach that point: too impatient... frustrated... seeing my life as utterly pointless. But I'll just focus on what I have now and see where it brings me. I just hope I will be content with the outcome.

The unease should wear off by now. 

"Arielle Vidal." the proctor called out behind rimmed spectacles.

"Here."