Dreams

I had this dream.

I was pregnant in that dream.

I wasn't happy, to say the least.

I was looking out into the ocean, listening to waves come up the shore. I couldn't feel the sand beneath my feet, so I assumed I was at the pier.

In that dream, I remembered telling the man I loved to leave me. I didn't want to force him into the relationship we shared. The baby was unplanned, and it felt like he was staying just because I had the baby, his child, and not because he loved me. Not because he cared for the baby.

I told him that if he loved me and cared for the child, he will come back. I told him I can work before the baby comes. Perhaps at a bookshop. He didn't have to support me for I can do so on my own. I didn't hear his reply. I couldn't even make out his face. But I knew he was hesitant about it. I felt it. And I also knew he wanted to leave.

I was holding him back. He was not supposed to be with me. I took his life from him. I burdened him. He was unhappy.

I didn't want my child to know that. I didn't want to see myself as a burden either.

"Leave."

And he did.

In the dream, I knew I loved him. I just wasn't sure if he loved me back.

But I hoped he would come back to me, as I stared out into the sea. One day he'll turn up at the doorstep, with a smile on his face and his arms wide open, beckoning me into his embrace. And his eyes… they would be pouring with love. I would drown in that love. The baby will kick, jumping in joy for it felt his mother was happy. Happy that father came back for him and her.

I just hoped.

I knew it was futile to expect as I continue on looking out. I must have done it everyday for the heaviness continued gaining weight.

And I woke up.

I woke up, promising myself that I should never come to such an end. I will never come to love such a man.