As I walked
down the cobbled steps that lead to the main road. It was eerily quiet.
How can man
be able to live like this?
After having
accustomed oneself to companionship, how is one able to get back to settling
back alone without yearning for the presence of the other?
That's the
main reason why I didn't want to become too close. Imagine the hurt that comes
after the separation. During, there's not much to think about. There's still
that hope that you'll see each other again. Some day. But when the days pass,
weeks stretch to months, and the possibility of finding each other again grows
thin, the ache starts to settle in. You start to curse at the heavens for it
being unfair, for it hand-picking you from the lot to be one of those who
suffer.
"Why
should I be subject to such pain? Such torment?"
"I never
deserved this!"
We always
think that. And the more we do, the more we hate. The more we fuel our anger,
our contempt, at something (or someone) whom we cannot even concretize. The
inability to pass the blame on something tangible forces you to be angry with
yourself. To despise yourself.
To regret.
"Why did
I do this? Would it have been better if I didn't?"
Possibilities.
Endless possibilities. You wouldn't have been able to predict these from
happening. Never.
But you can
still continue on hoping. Go through their Facebook accounts and see how happy
they are on the other side. Occasionally catch them online, chat for a moment,
then they tell you they had to go since they had to take care of something and
will catch up with you some other time.
When?
You stare at
the gray bubble, hoping that it turns green again.
What
happened? Why did things come to this? Before these chats would last for hours.
We end at the wee hours of the morning, only to continue with the conversation
later that day. If I tell you to meet up, we meet up. If I tell you I was
bored, we go out and do something silly.
You were
within reach.
Always within
my reach.
But now you
aren't, and what did you leave me with?
Memories.
Memories that
continue to torment me. Haunting me. Hurting me.
Should I have
been better off without meeting you? Would it have been a more painless
transition? All I can do is smile as I
go over our old pictures. Photographs of the past. Frozen. Still. Never aging.
Maybe this is
the reason why man can't be alone.
We need
someone whom we know would be there when we get back from work. We need someone
within our reach.
Friends have
their own lives to worry about. They are temporary. They cannot always be there
for you whenever you need them. They can turn against you, they can forget
about you.
Your life is
not their concern.
But that
someone… how are they any different? Don't they also have their own life to
worry about? Aren't they also temporary? Limited? Can't they also turn against
you? Forget about you?
You hope that
they won't.
You believe
they won't.
You trust
they won't.
So you still
hurt.
You hurt even
more because of how much you believed in them. How much you trusted them. How
much you hoped that they would be different from the others.
Risk.
And again
another set of painful memories await.
Man is
incapable of being alone… but he is better off alone.
If you don't
want to get hurt, to feel empty when the other half left, don't make friends.
Don't meet anyone new. Don't interact.
Distance
yourself.
However, you
are never assured you can keep at this forever.
There is
always this one person who would initiate. Who would dare approach you from the
crowd and say hi. Who would dare tell you their name and ask for yours. And you
couldn't do anything but answer back in kind.
The cycle
continues.
Prepare to be
hurt. It's inevitable.
You'll be
angry with yourself for falling into the same trap again. You will regret ever
making the same choice. But you won't mind that as the relationship progresses.
You'll be happy. You'll hope for forever. A temporary high. Assuming.
Reassuring.
And that's
all you.
So try not to
be so hard on yourself. You're only human.
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