The first few months of school weren't easy for me. There was a whole lot of adjusting required just so I wouldn't bring much trouble or stand out. I was at a total loss as to how to deal with certain situations or how to respond to people that I just broke down.
It was infuriating not to know what to do. It's like sitting on the bench while the rest of the team is out playing ball. Or you're there in the medic's tent because of an injury while the rest of the squad's fighting the enemy.
Perhaps I'm not stable enough. Emotionally that is. Or perhaps my way of gaining momentum is not acceptable to many and I just burn myself out trying to explain and make them see who I am. In the end, they never can see. So everything you did minutes or hours prior were all for nothing. It's a cycle. A cycle I want out.
At times my mind drifts back to how it used to. I only had to worry about what good differences I can make, not what other people think of me. Here, where I am right now, there's just too much thought invested on appearances. There's less listening and more talking. My very being says just leave me be, but people just don't seem to get it.
Things could have been a whole lot different...
What if I said no that time?
Would it have been a whole lot different? Would it have been better? Would I have felt that confusion? That sudden punch to the gut when a probability you never took makes an appearance and makes you ask yourself, "What if?".
This pulls in a whole new set of stuff I don't want to think about unless I want to be miserable for the rest of my life.
Regret?
No. I shouldn't.
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