Thoughts: Liking

"LIKE. Caught between a lie and the truth. It's not love. But could it stand for love? Is it any lesser? Does it stand for something more? More, that which cannot be contained. More, that I am too shy to fully express. Haunting, is it not? The assurance lacking. Yet there is more hope in it than any other word."

I like this one guy.

A lot.

And as much as I want to tell him how much I do like him, I get tongue-tied. Something holds me back. It could not be fear for I never cared about what he would think or do or what would happen between me and him after I tell him. Selfish, yes. But there is nothing I can do about it. I did not choose to like him. Hell. I do not even have any clue as to what I liked about him. 

I guess what is holding me back is my pride. Not to mention the circumstances make it impossible and inappropriate for me to tell him how I really do feel about him. Perhaps I should just go look for another male to go gaga about... Unfortunately, none caught my attention. 

Thoughts: What if...

There are just too many things going on nowadays that I lose track of where I am. And just when you have finally gotten the hang of being detached, one of those you pushed far back into your head would suddenly materialize and bop you on the head. "Miss me?" It would ask, sending you a maniacal grin as you try to regain your composure.

The first few months of school weren't easy for me. There was a whole lot of adjusting required just so I wouldn't bring much trouble or stand out. I was at a total loss as to how to deal with certain situations or how to respond to people that I just broke down. 

It was infuriating not to know what to do. It's like sitting on the bench while the rest of the team is out playing ball. Or you're there in the medic's tent because of an injury while the rest of the squad's fighting the enemy. 

Perhaps I'm not stable enough. Emotionally that is. Or perhaps my way of gaining momentum is not acceptable to many and I just burn myself out trying to explain and make them see who I am. In the end, they never can see. So everything you did minutes or hours prior were all for nothing. It's a cycle. A cycle I want out.

At times my mind drifts back to how it used to. I only had to worry about what good differences I can make, not what other people think of me. Here, where I am right now, there's just too much thought invested on appearances. There's less listening and more talking. My very being says just leave me be, but people just don't seem to get it.

Things could have been a whole lot different...

What if I said no that time?

Would it have been a whole lot different? Would it have been better? Would I have felt that confusion? That sudden punch to the gut when a probability you never took makes an appearance and makes you ask yourself, "What if?".

This pulls in a whole new set of stuff I don't want to think about unless I want to be miserable for the rest of my life.

Regret?

No. I shouldn't. 

Thoughts: Believing

I've been such a hypocrite those past few weeks. I need to change if I want to make things work out for me. 

Another: