Quotes

For we walk by faith, not by sight. - 2 Corinthians 5:7 

Thoughts: Lacking

I want someone who knows what it is that I need.

But do I even know what I need?

We keep on going through all our experiences, checking if there was something in any of them that would give us a clue on what we're looking for... what it is that we need.

Why is it that we feel that something's lacking?

What am I looking for?

Thoughts: Counseling

I never liked guidance counseling.

Never really found any sense to it.

I mean, you're talking to a complete stranger whom you paid to listen to your problems. They would only know about the things written in the information sheet you filled out before the start of class. They would only know about your test results. None of those really say anything about me. I could have doodled in my tests, I could have forgotten to update my information sheet. There is nothing much about me on those papers stuck to their clipboards.

So why bother listening to my problems? Because you're paid to do so? That's just harsh don't you think? 

Besides... I'm not much of a talker. I'm a writer. When thoughts overflow, I prefer writing them down than sharing it verbally. You have time to think about how to phrase it in a way that both you and the one hearing you out would understand (haha). 

I told my counselor (since we had to go once for our first two semesters in college) that I just don't see my problems to be just as big as the others. They have bigger and more serious problems than I did, so I prefer to deal with mine by myself and not bring anyone else into it. By doing that, I have more time to help them by listening. "You think way ahead of your years." she told me with a smile. 

A friend of mine told me that I should learn to share too. I told her I will if I felt like it. Besides... she needed more help than I. She told me I have the tendency to put others first before I did. Haha. 

There's just this weird feeling I have when I tell people about my problems. It makes me feel pathetic. What are you complaining about? This sounds stupid even in my ears.

I also don't like it that when telling people of your problems, they would have this notion that whenever your down it's because of that problem you just shared. Couldn't it be another reason? Do you have to go over it again when I have already taken it out of my chest? I don't want to be reminded of it! There are also chances people would think you're faking your happiness. I'm not. I am truly happy if I say I am. I choose to be happy. The problem I can fix, but I don't drag it out every single day. That's just... depressing.

And I make people happy when I'm happy. Going through the letters I received for my birthday, I found out that I have helped so many by being just that. It feels nice knowing that you were able to make people feel better about themselves.

So as I play with the sand in the sandbox (no duh), and the counselor asked me what I was making (a sand pyramid?), I told her it was nothing. I just wanted to play with the sand. Does everything I do have to have a hidden meaning? Can't it be just because I like sand and I'm bored with this session? 

You just don't know me enough, that's why.

Quotes

Thoughts: Just Me

I care too much.

I love too much.

And whatever it was I felt for you will never change.

No matter how many times we fight...

I will always do.

Thoughts: Missing You

I should be asleep, but I just couldn't sleep without typing this down.

---

Sometimes I wished I had more time to spare. More days to spend with you. These past several months flew by like wisps of thought. I could barely take hold onto any of them. 

I relive every moment. Every second that I spent laughing, talking, arguing, and walking alongside you, lying next to you in complete silence. No word uttered from the other's lips, merely enjoying the presence of the other. 

I would miss how we would walk around campus with music from my phone playing in the background, against the deafening silence of the night. Talking about random stuff and how each other's day went before sinking back into comfortable silence, lost in our own thoughts but not forgetting about the one beside us.

I would miss how we laugh at the crudest things and find something funny in almost anything. How we laugh like idiots on the sidewalk and ignore the looks shot our way for we were too darn happy to care what they think. I would miss your jokes, the expectant face and excited tone that came with it.

I would miss every tick of the hand, every drop of rain, every turn of the page... anything that would remind me of those times we spent in the library enveloped in the scent of paper and newly washed floors. Us sitting comfortably side by side or across each other, our attention on the books in our hands. 

I would miss you reading to me. Telling me stories of a life I never once knew. Sharing with me things you never would to anyone. Letting me in, letting me be a part of you. Trusting me. I would miss how you wrote about your feelings. How you would tell me it's utter trash and I would dissuade you from throwing it away. How you would be so happy to tell me you wrote something new. 

I would miss the times we spend in your car laughing at jokes on the radio or listening to your playlist. How we spend our time together when stuck in traffic. How we try to find a new place where we can go to and try out for the day. 

I would miss our long chats at a local cafe with me taking brewed coffee while you going for the frappe. I would make myself comfortable in my plushed chair, being lulled to sleep by the blanket on my lap and the warmth emanating from your body as you sit closely next to me. You wouldn't wake me until you're done with your drink, teasing me mercilessly for having fallen asleep again. 

I would miss waiting for you after class or our lunches. How you would complain and I would listen. How I would complain and you comment. How you would raise a really controversial topic, launching us both into a heated debate over chicken and Cola.

I would miss you asking me to accompany you for an errand or asking me for pieces of advice despite me not being well knowledgeable about the topic.

I would miss giving you cards, small gifts, or bars of chocolate. And I would miss getting some from you too with an added grin on your face like you've done the grandest thing in the world. I would miss surprising you with cake and a song number, which I would still pull through despite you telling me not to for I make the gods cry.

I would miss the countless hours we spend at the laboratory. How we end up getting into a tickle fight, shielding our bellies with our arms, books, hands, bags, or whatever is within our reach at that present moment.

I would miss the way you held my hand and positioned the other behind my back, ushering me for a dance. I laugh nervously for I forgot how and you guided me through every step. 

I would undeniably miss you. 

And I wouldn't mind if you didn't feel the same way. You wouldn't know I felt this way. We would go our separate ways without even looking back. You would soon find someone to replace me, and I might too. Life continues and all these times we have spent with each other would be nothing but memories at the back of our minds, only to be brought to light on our next encounter.

I just hope you remember.

Just remember how it was. How we were both happy.

Thoughts: Years from now...

To: ---

Hey, how have you been?

It's been a while since we last saw each other. Sorry for not answering the phone or replying to your messages. Things have been hellish these past few months, I can barely breathe. But I'm managing, thanks for asking. You shouldn't even be worrying about me. I'm used to this type of environment. You should be more worried about yourself though. Actually, all this worrying won't do you any good either. 

I don't know what I put myself into. I don't know if I should even be glad about it or not. Things are just piling on top the other. Everything's just messed up! Not to mention I'm getting you involved in all this... that's not how it's supposed to be.

Well enough about me. I haven't heard from you. You stopped sending me messages from down there. You must have been hurting after all the things you've gone through. I don't know why I'm incapable of feeling the same way you do. I bet it would have helped if I did. How are you holding up? I heard you're struggling... if there is anything I can do to make the pain any less, please tell me. You're not alone.

You're strong. I don't think I would still be sane after everything. How can you still care when they don't? How can you still love when any relationship is bound to get cut off? To end? How can you still worry about others when you yourself also need help? How can you? I've been trying to tell you time and again to not get too close with everyone. Losing them would hurt. 

You need some time for yourself, you know? How long has it been since you did? I bet you didn't want to have the time off because others need you. 

As always.

Well I hope you reply back to me soon. I wouldn't want you running cold. It's unlike you. If you did, I think I wouldn't be able to handle myself anymore either. Don't turn hard on me now. Please.

Take care.

From: ---

Thoughts: Making Choices

This was an entry I wrote days before. I'm not angry here. Just troubled.

---

Sometimes I can't tell what it is being asked of me.

Why do you ask me to be selfish? 

Why do I have to prove anything to you? 

I thought you would support me in my dreams. Then why do you sound disappointed if my dreams don't match yours?

I couldn't bring myself to think about my situation without taking into account those who would be involved. If my choice would put others in the snitch, it would take me even more time to think about giving an answer. I do consider your input, thanks for making it clear to me what it is you want, but have you ever asked yourself whether the tone of your voice, or how you phrase your statements, affect my judgment? They're not the least bit helpful. It clouds my senses. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't think for myself. Although I consider the other, there's not much of me that goes around the discernment.

You gave me options months ago. I thought I still had choices... but you make it sound like I don't have any at all. It feels like this is the best choice. The ONLY choice available for me.

Is it?

You give me the pros and cons of going through with it. It will be challenging, stressful... everything that I try to keep myself away from. I have thought about my health, how it would affect my performance, what my body needs to be in tiptop condition. You worry that I might get sick. You worry about what will happen to me for the chances of losing my sanity are great there. But why do you keep on saying you would be proud if I went through that ordeal? If I became what you wanted me to be? Why dissuade me yet at the same time encourage me? You encourage me more actually, and that's downright confusing. I suggest an alternative, you respond with not that much enthusiasm. 

Are you not happy with what I want?

Isn't that what I wanted?

I'm not saying I would be better off. Some earn well, some don't. I just want to give something back, impart knowledge, and taking the other route might be the shortest and cheapest way to it. Less demand on you too, but you won't let me have that. You tell me you have a condition. "There's something wrong with him." you said to me. "Don't let it trouble you or get in the way of your dreams." 

How can I not be troubled?

The more my choices dwindle down. I thought I had the freedom to pick where I want to study. Turns out I don't. As much as I want to lessen expenses and make it more convenient for you... I don't want to study here. I can't bear it having you see me in distress! I'm not being selfish. At least in this aspect, I'm not. I'm thinking what would be good for both of us in the long run. I'm sure I would have breakdowns. I know you would be stressed from work, and I don't want to add to that. I already feel I am in more ways than one. There has to be distance. And I'm used to things being this way. I just hope you can figure out what I'm getting at because it's a pain to persuade someone who has already decided on what they want and how they want it. I don't have any back-up. How can you make someone who refuses to listen, listen?

The best I got out of talking about it is a deadline. "March." 

I have to decide then. 

I have to think about whether the path I'll be taking will make me happy. However you look at it, no one would know for sure. I might be at the start, but there's a chance I would eventually grow tired of it like most people far off in their careers. Either I choose to be happy or regret. 

I'm bound to find happiness in it... perhaps. I usually do.