Do You Love Him?

We see each other over coffee... usual catching up between friends... and you asked:

"How are you two?"

I smile and say, "He's different from you."

You shoot me a raised brow. "How so?" You ask.

"With you everything felt better... 

The mornings were better,

The coffee was better,

The food was better,

Walks were better,

Chismis was better (haha)

You were like icing on top of a good/bad day, technically nullifying a bad day (haha)

The convos were great

The quiet was welcome

The love songs made sense

And your absence echoes

My mind was stuck on you

Like, when i was away, i wondered how you were doing... did you make new friends, is someone being your night cap, do you have someone to have lunches with?

When i get hurt coz of you... the sting is really bad.

I miss you when i can't see or hear you... it felt empty...

With him...

Yes, the conversations are easy, fun actually

Liking him did not feel like having butterflies in the stomach... it just happened, like it just slid itself in between me and him and said 'hey, you like him now'

Food was food

Coffee was coffee

Love songs were love songs... they did not mean anything...

Yes, his touches give me a high... but he's the first to touch me like that in 32 years of existence, so i guess it is to be expected.

But how come when i hugged you for the briefest moment, it felt so -- safe? He did hug me... i felt giddy... but... nothing else.

When he's away... my mind doesn't wander too much... 

I think it is only my body that wants him (haha)

I crave the attention he gives and the desire for me he doesn't bother hiding

...

Just that.

I guess you can say, loving you made made me full 

With him... i can't even say it's love.

When i told myself i loved you, it felt real.

When i asked myself if i love him... nothing. 

So i don't love him... not yet."

You nod. "I hope it works out eventually."

"Same."

A letter

I entered a letter writing contest last Valentine's Day. There could only be one winner from the whole lot, yet I wasn't expecting the letter I wrote for an unrequited love to get third place. 

Here it is...
 

Dear _______,

They said, “When you fall in love you should keep a part of yourself safe should the feelings wither.” What they didn’t tell me was that before one even knows they have fallen in love, bits and pieces of themselves change with every meeting or conversation. It might come to a point they would think there’s nothing of their original selves left.

And that’s just what happened with me.

Honestly, before you came along, the future seemed less complicated. I thought I figured everything out, that I could handle anything… but when you came into my life, you pointed out what I was missing.

Flexibility. The world is filled with countless possibilities that any minute detail can potentially throw me off track. Usually, I would take it as a signal that the journey has ended and I should move on to other things. You taught me that should it go there, it doesn’t necessarily mean the journey has ended. “Another option has opened up. Take it as a side dish to your adventure.” was what you would say.

Trust. Emotionally, it may seem I have control, but deep inside it’s torrential and I have no idea where it should go. I didn’t know what I was keeping inside was eating me from within until you came up and listened. And I felt different. I felt better. I then knew what I had to change and what I had to let go.

Vulnerable. It seems like deep inside me a screw came loose and it was never how it used to be. I began to open up more, and in the process I felt more. It’s through exposing myself that I fell for you.

You broke me, like they said they would. Yet, if it weren’t for you, I would have remained broken. The shell I was in kept the pieces together, but it didn't really fix anything.  I wasn't whole... just pieces that don't really fit.

Then you came and... made sense of it all.

Now that you’re not close by, with your own life to lead, it annoys me that I end up looking for you in places I know you wouldn’t be. It annoys me that I want to tell you what happened today, be it a high or a low. It annoys me to need your reassurance whenever I’m in a bind.

This yearning for you is a feeling I would have preferred living without, but should I be given the option to start all over again, I would still choose to meet you.

 

Love,

A

My Wisps 11

My heart still beats for you,
my soul still yearns for you,
my ears and eyes, oh how they wish
would never come to forget
a single detail of you.
My skin misses your warmth,
the feel of your hair
on my fingertips.

I miss you, terribly.
But I can neither
bring myself
to say it,
nor ask my mouth
to even utter your name.

Things left unsaid

Remember that time you asked me why I liked you?
I never gave you an answer now didn't I?
Perhaps I would never answer that question in person... in a cafe, with a cup of coffee stained by my lips on the brim.

Why didn't I answer? 
All the more, why couldn't I?
I guess the emotions still float on the surface, and reminding myself what it was that drew me to you would sink it deeper.
(Something you have shrewdly presumed to be the case, which I hastily, too hastily, and tactlessly denied.)

Why did I like you?

Was it because of the way you started a sentence or how you ended it? 
Was it because of the way your eyes twinkle and how they become warm or the way they turn blank and hazy?
Was it because of your inquisitive or nosy prodding?
Was it because of your sincerity or your sarcasm?
Was it because of your humor or unabashed bluntness?
Was it because of your wisdom or idiocy?
Was it because of your affection or insensitive teasing and mocking?
Was it because of your passion or your apparent lack thereof and utter laziness?
Was it because you cared or sometimes questionably do?
Was it because of your expressiveness or passivity?
Was it because of your openness or because you were cloaked in mystery?
Was it because of your honesty or lack of reserve?

In all these, what could I have possibly adored and admired in you?

I didn't want to tell you for you usually make fun of me when I tell you how I feel, despite you telling me it is all right to feel and that I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Hypocrite.
Still, I would want you to know what it was that sparked the attraction.

Just not in person.

I just can't say it matter-of-factly when each word spoken intimately entwines with the love I have felt for you then.
I would completely lose myself and drown, knowing full well you would never save me. 

Graduation Special

"Do you miss them?" 

A year has passed since the day they graduated and parted ways. Them venturing new heights, finding new interests, meeting other people -- a journey of finding oneself. She was not very good at voicing out what she felt. The act of doing so was difficult for her but it seems to be the best way of relieving herself of the gnawing ache. "I miss them... I really do." It felt good saying it.

"Do you miss... him?"

And before she could stop herself, with having felt such elation, she replied, "More than I ever thought I would." 

Guidance Interviews

I was asked during my yearly guidance interview: Why do you not tell someone how you feel?

What I had in mind was: There are just some people who tell you to talk, and once you do and get the hang of it, eventually grow tired of listening and ignore you and then switch to other people who can provide them with something 'better'. I wouldn't want to find myself in that position. It's like they tell you they got a hold of you, you trust that they wouldn't let go but they eventually do because they got 'tired' and not because they can't hold on anymore. There's a difference. The latter says they can't, the former just drops you.

What I said: I just don't feel like talking. I wouldn't want to trouble them.

Bewitched

"Tell me about her."

"Why?"

"Please?"

He knew I wouldn't leave until he told me. He bowed his head in resignation and sighed. "... if you insist..."

He stood and walked to the window, his back towards me. "She was like the summer sun. Her laughter like the cool rippling pools of an oasis in the desert. Her lips were like cherries in spring. Her cheeks a rosy pink like of a newborn. And her eyes..." My breath got caught in my throat as he looked at me, memories of 'her' danced in his eyes. He was drifting away.

"Wh-Why didn't it work out?" I asked, breaking the trance.

"Such is with things that are not meant to be, I believe. But I loved her, that's all I know, and I was content with just that."

My Wisps 10

I knew it was a dream. Damn, it just had to be. That smirk on your face and that glint in your eye... it was as if my brain remembered how you were, every single detail of what I undeniably loved about you. 

I didn't want it to end at all. If dreaming meant I got to see you more than what reality permits, then let me sleep.

- Pickled Relish

My Wisps 9

My Wisps 8

Since that day you guys have never spoken a word to each other. 
Since that day you never made mention of her.
So what makes me think you still love her?
The way you looked at her when we passed her by that day on our way to the supermarket. 
And the way you whisper her name in the dead of night. 

- Pickled Relish

“One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.” — Susane Colasanti

“Though I may seem at times somewhat distant from you, through the gray mist of my own moods, I am never far; my thoughts always circle around you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

My Wisps 7

"Why hasn't the flower bloomed yet?" She asked with much curiosity only a three year-old can muster over a small flower in the middle of the field. "Why won't it?"

I leaned in, my chin lightly resting on her shoulder. I wrapped one arm around her waist, breathing her in. "It's not that it couldn't or wouldn't, sweetheart. More of, it's not yet time for it to bloom."

"Will it ever? When?"

I smiled, watching her caress the flower covered in morning dew. "We don't know, my dear. Perhaps in the spring, or in the summer. What I am sure of is He knows when. We just have to wait. At the right time it will bloom, and you will be dazzled by its beauty."

"Am I like the flower, mama?"

"Every one of us is, dear. We blossom at the right moment. At the time when God thinks it would be perfect for us to."

- Pickled Relish

“They say you don’t get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don’t deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong. It compels the victim to fill that place. A single moment with that empty spot causes excruciating pain. That’s why we run from distraction to distraction—and from attachment to attachment.” — Yasmin Mogahed

Quotes

My Wisps 6

Quotes

- Paulo Coelho 

My Wisps 5

At times I get inspiration from personal experiences. If you're someone I personally know and you're reading this now, please don't misinterpret.

---

She said I let go of people easily. She said I push people away. She said I was angry with the world. She said I don't know how to appreciate and don't care about the people who care about me.

He said I wasn't. "There are limits. But if there comes a time that I hurt you, don't bother coming after me."

I told him I won't. "I never run after someone. Ever."He smiled. 

My Wisps 4

"You can't just forget about people! You can't burn bridges!"

Calmly, I removed my glasses and set them down on the table. I pressed the bridge of my nose. "I thought we were done discussing this. I have a reason why: self-preservation."

He stopped. 

"You're bound to do it eventually. Tell me I'm wrong." 

"You are!"

I shake my head. "You're so naive."

My Wisps 3

The conversation started off with an innocent 'hi' and ended too quickly with a curt 'good-bye'.

Often I find myself discussing something with you. Anything. These talks were sometimes sweet, at times serious... regardless, I enjoyed them all the same. You began to unravel before me yet you never pushed me to do the same. 

As each layer fell, the more my heart becomes in sync with yours. And late did I realize, I am bare.