Graduation Special

"Do you miss them?" 

A year has passed since the day they graduated and parted ways. Them venturing new heights, finding new interests, meeting other people -- a journey of finding oneself. She was not very good at voicing out what she felt. The act of doing so was difficult for her but it seems to be the best way of relieving herself of the gnawing ache. "I miss them... I really do." It felt good saying it.

"Do you miss... him?"

And before she could stop herself, with having felt such elation, she replied, "More than I ever thought I would." 

Guidance Interviews

I was asked during my yearly guidance interview: Why do you not tell someone how you feel?

What I had in mind was: There are just some people who tell you to talk, and once you do and get the hang of it, eventually grow tired of listening and ignore you and then switch to other people who can provide them with something 'better'. I wouldn't want to find myself in that position. It's like they tell you they got a hold of you, you trust that they wouldn't let go but they eventually do because they got 'tired' and not because they can't hold on anymore. There's a difference. The latter says they can't, the former just drops you.

What I said: I just don't feel like talking. I wouldn't want to trouble them.

Bewitched

"Tell me about her."

"Why?"

"Please?"

He knew I wouldn't leave until he told me. He bowed his head in resignation and sighed. "... if you insist..."

He stood and walked to the window, his back towards me. "She was like the summer sun. Her laughter like the cool rippling pools of an oasis in the desert. Her lips were like cherries in spring. Her cheeks a rosy pink like of a newborn. And her eyes..." My breath got caught in my throat as he looked at me, memories of 'her' danced in his eyes. He was drifting away.

"Wh-Why didn't it work out?" I asked, breaking the trance.

"Such is with things that are not meant to be, I believe. But I loved her, that's all I know, and I was content with just that."

My Wisps 10

I knew it was a dream. Damn, it just had to be. That smirk on your face and that glint in your eye... it was as if my brain remembered how you were, every single detail of what I undeniably loved about you. 

I didn't want it to end at all. If dreaming meant I got to see you more than what reality permits, then let me sleep.

- Pickled Relish

My Wisps 9

My Wisps 8

Since that day you guys have never spoken a word to each other. 
Since that day you never made mention of her.
So what makes me think you still love her?
The way you looked at her when we passed her by that day on our way to the supermarket. 
And the way you whisper her name in the dead of night. 

- Pickled Relish

“One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.” — Susane Colasanti

“Though I may seem at times somewhat distant from you, through the gray mist of my own moods, I am never far; my thoughts always circle around you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

My Wisps 7

"Why hasn't the flower bloomed yet?" She asked with much curiosity only a three year-old can muster over a small flower in the middle of the field. "Why won't it?"

I leaned in, my chin lightly resting on her shoulder. I wrapped one arm around her waist, breathing her in. "It's not that it couldn't or wouldn't, sweetheart. More of, it's not yet time for it to bloom."

"Will it ever? When?"

I smiled, watching her caress the flower covered in morning dew. "We don't know, my dear. Perhaps in the spring, or in the summer. What I am sure of is He knows when. We just have to wait. At the right time it will bloom, and you will be dazzled by its beauty."

"Am I like the flower, mama?"

"Every one of us is, dear. We blossom at the right moment. At the time when God thinks it would be perfect for us to."

- Pickled Relish

“They say you don’t get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don’t deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong. It compels the victim to fill that place. A single moment with that empty spot causes excruciating pain. That’s why we run from distraction to distraction—and from attachment to attachment.” — Yasmin Mogahed

Quotes

My Wisps 6

Quotes

- Paulo Coelho 

My Wisps 5

At times I get inspiration from personal experiences. If you're someone I personally know and you're reading this now, please don't misinterpret.

---

She said I let go of people easily. She said I push people away. She said I was angry with the world. She said I don't know how to appreciate and don't care about the people who care about me.

He said I wasn't. "There are limits. But if there comes a time that I hurt you, don't bother coming after me."

I told him I won't. "I never run after someone. Ever."He smiled. 

My Wisps 4

"You can't just forget about people! You can't burn bridges!"

Calmly, I removed my glasses and set them down on the table. I pressed the bridge of my nose. "I thought we were done discussing this. I have a reason why: self-preservation."

He stopped. 

"You're bound to do it eventually. Tell me I'm wrong." 

"You are!"

I shake my head. "You're so naive."

My Wisps 3

The conversation started off with an innocent 'hi' and ended too quickly with a curt 'good-bye'.

Often I find myself discussing something with you. Anything. These talks were sometimes sweet, at times serious... regardless, I enjoyed them all the same. You began to unravel before me yet you never pushed me to do the same. 

As each layer fell, the more my heart becomes in sync with yours. And late did I realize, I am bare.

My Wisps 2

"What did you like about him?"

"He's the one I love... at the same time he's the very man I greatly despise. But," she played with the stem of her wine glass, "that's just it."

My Wisps

Before I fell in love with you I found myself. 

It wasn't until then did I realize I wasn't so bad after all.

Anger?

So this person thinks I'm angry at the world. I do not know how to appreciate and I am not thankful for having people who care about me. 

I got into an argument with this person again. I really do think when I get too happy, bad things happen afterwards. I just met up with old friends from high school earlier today, and later this same evening I got into a fight. How unfortunate. Well, the fights are pretty common now. I just find them completely ridiculous. 

I never really share my personal problems with this person. I rarely even talk to her. Why? Well, she uses it against me in every argument. There's no one talking in this house other than her because she gets the freedom to. No one judges her. She's always right and she's always innocent. I am imperfect, and I admit that I am.

This person thinks I'm angry at the world for I push people away. The only time I ever did push someone away was with this friend of mine (let's call her Shrew) who was treating me unfairly. And that was the only thing she heard from me. Now said person thinks I don't want anyone around me just because of that incident. Puzzling, for she herself doesn't even like Shrew to spend time with me. 

She told me I let people go so easily. Really? After having told her I gave Shrew many chances, I 'easily' let go of people? Even after she herself told me to stay away from Shrew and I remained firm that I won't, I 'easily' let go? I think she never got past that part of the story. She only heard what she wanted to hear. I don't care? If I didn't should I be hurt by what she's telling me? Just because I refuse help because the person offering it is also in need of help doesn't mean I cannot appreciate or I push people away or I am angry at the world. That man needs to worry about HIMSELF and not the both of us. I cannot accept help from someone who also needs it. How can she not understand? Just because she favors that man, everything I say that is against what he said rouses her defenses. She defends him like a lioness would to her cub. I didn't even do anything. I chose the better option and that was not to accept his help for he needed to focus on his performance. 

She said I was very proud when I told her I can handle it. She tells me all the time that I can, how is this any different? Then she said it, "Di mo kaya." 

I knew it. 

It's pretty obvious. When someone continuously tells you same thing over and over, it just means they're trying to reassure themselves. She has no faith in me anymore. I get that. After not being at par with her beloved male subordinate, I apologize for not meeting anyone's expectations. I'm a failure, I get it. I didn't get high grades. But I'm not giving up and I am not a leech. I want someone to succeed and I refuse to be an added weight on their shoulders. I don't like it when people worry about me. It just means that they think I am incapable of handling it. I particularly am against those who say I can when deep inside they fear I can't.

Lies. All of it.

At times I wonder why I even came back. I think I'm a lot better off away from home. 

First Semester in Medical School

So I've been told writing can help in sorting out your thoughts. Well, let's give it a shot, seeing as most (perhaps all) of my posts are about an unnamed male I have a huge admiration for. 

I'm currently in my first year of medical school. Instead of pursuing a career in research, as what most people thought I would do, I thought that getting an MD first would be the better option. After several talks with my mother before graduation, and several more after that, I finally went through with the idea and was very much excited for the first day. 

"Finally went through the idea"? What does that mean? Well, ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to be a doctor. Come college, I still did. Unfortunately, things didn't go according to plan and I had to rethink about my chosen profession. As I went through my thesis, I grew to love what I was doing. I enjoyed it. I got to go places, meet new people... It was basically off-routine. Every day was an adventure! Now that I grew to love it, medicine took a backseat in my options. 

When I informed my parents about my change in career choice, my mother wasn't all too happy about it. The talks consisted of her persuading me and me learning to love my first love again. Opportunities came flying left and right from the other side, and me, still undecided, kept them there for a while longer. Longer than what a person who's already decided to enter medicine would have. I couldn't see why she wanted me to. I don't know if I was being selfish or she was. When I finally got some to think about it on my own, I got her figured out. 

So off to medical school!

Choosing medicine would mean giving up a lot of things. I would have to give up my spot in Manila: away from what I got myself accustomed to for the past four years. Adjusting to the life I had before college is a challenge. I had to make new friends, get used to the culture here, and deal with the teaching style being offered at school. There are too many things to adjust to and I think my parents don't see that. It's suffocating. Most of the time, I just want to crawl under a rock. School, I have no problem with. It's the other factors that are distracting me. I was close to cutting off all ties with college friends but my mom told me not to. At times I regret not doing it, and there are times I'm thankful I didn't go through with it.

I don't think I would have made it this far if I didn't have someone to speak with. I do believe if they weren't around, I would have hardened. I was close to extinguishing. I wanted to go back, give up, just LEAVE. But I was told to be patient. I am being patient. I have limits. I am already sick and tired of caring. Yet for some reason I still do. It's annoying.

Well, I guess there's no changing things anymore. I'm here, they're there. I just have to deal with what life throws at me. There's no other choice but to move forward.