Thoughts: Did I make the right choice?

At times I wonder if I made the right decision. Could someone who knows so little about a profession be good enough for it? Well... most people would usually go, "You'd never know until you tried it." Or some would say, "Other people have jumped into it without even thinking about it or even considering it, something else must be holding you back."

I chose to take medicine without even asking myself enough if I would be able to take it. If I can meet its demands. Friends tell me I have what it takes to become a good doctor. But when I ask myself the same thing, I come up short. All I can say as a reply is, "I'll give it my all." 

I have no idea what lays before me. No one does. From what I've heard, medicine is not something you just enter into because you felt like it. It is a commitment. Brains can only bring you so far. You have to have character to get yourself through.

Yesterday I was at the emergency room. A family rushed in with their father who was, in my point of view, unconscious. Little did I know that his heart had already stopped beating. He wasn't unconscious, he was at the edge.

The nurses on duty that time were trying to revive him. Wires were seen hanging around him, their ends attached to the ECG machine and certain points on his body. A tube was inserted into his mouth to get oxygen in his lungs. One of the nurses was holding a bag and pressing on it at fixed intervals. I never really bothered knowing the details of the situation, the names of the contraptions, the areas where they placed the ends of the wires, the clamps...they were all familiar because of animal physiology, but my attention was on the man on the bed. 

Since all the nurses were busy reviving him, I was busy looking around. On the bed was a husband and a father, around him were men and women who cared about him. One of them was already crying, the wife was in shock on the other side of the room, and the daughter was making calls. His family was there. They never expected that something like that would happen that day. From what I gathered, he just fell to the ground. And from the looks of it, they were eating out. All of them were dressed. If it were an emergency, would you even bother thinking about what to wear?

Thirty minutes has passed and still no response from him. The doctor on duty called the daughter in and gave her the news. She cried. The doctor asked her to bring the mother in, asking her first if the mother had any heart ailments to which she replied none. The wife was brought in and was told the same thing. You would have thought she cried, but she didn't. No tears rolled down her cheeks. Her mouth moved, her eyes closed, and from my spot I can tell she was whispering a prayer. She was holding his hand, then his feet, massaging them tenderly, hoping perhaps to gather some warmth back into them. 

I didn't know what to feel, to be honest. At first I wanted to hug the women and tell them everything's going to be all right, but that would be so stupid. Second, I was hoping for a miracle. When the white sheet was pulled over him... 

After that incident, we drove back home. We pass people on the streets, laughing and playing, talking to each other...at that moment I just wanted to tell them that someone just died. "How could you be happy?" Now there was the feeling of wanting to be alone, for being happy sounds so wrong and sinful. How can I be happy when I saw someone die today? When I saw someone lose an important person? 

They say that life is unfair. That we would all die someday. Once you get to that point or witness someone reach that step, it's something totally different. I start to think about the people that matter to me and realize how fleeting life is. The family yesterday had no idea!

On the way back home, we passed by people on the street. They were completely oblivious with what happened. "Someone just lost their husband/father back there! How can you be so happy?" I didn't want to talk, smile, laugh... I was at a loss as to what I should feel.

Could I handle such? Do I have what it takes to be a good doctor or a doctor even?