Thoughts: Getting To Know Me

I find it funny that the person 
who understands me the most 
is actually someone I argue with 
most of the time.
They have seen me angry,
they have seen me think, 
they saw how 
the wheels turn in my head.
They know what to search for
in my eyes and in my tone.
If I knew what I was saying
or if I was making it up as I go.
They wait for me to stop
before they say their piece. 
And they say it 
with utmost civility.
I won't say I lost
in the argument we just had,
and neither did they win
for being outwardly calm.
We both understood the other. 
Our words flew and were received.
Funny how the person
I argue with the most
knows me best.

Thoughts: Warmth

So I decided to turn in the pen on mushy stuff and figured I should write about something else for a change. 

---

Christmas.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear it?

Love. Cheer. Family. Christmas food. Gifts. Homemade cookies with mugs of warm milk or cocoa. Snow. A well-lit fireplace with you and your loved ones, snug under woolly blankets or wrapped in hand knit scarves, around it. Late night conversations over a board game. Stories about that big man that goes down the chimney and hops from one home to another in a red sleigh drawn by flying reindeer. Christmas bonuses. Kisses. Hugs. Goodbyes. Another cold night under the stars, you frantically looking for anything to keep you warm throughout the night. A barrage of carolers. Christmas songs being played over and over. Stores brimming with people shopping for Christmas presents. Christmas parties where in most you don't even want to attend but you have to because you don't want to make anyone feel bad or dislike you.

Going through the list above, it seems that Christmas can take on a whole bunch of meanings, both good and bad. 

Well, if someone asked me that... I would have to say: warmth. Small acts of kindness, a phone call or a text from someone you care about, home-cooked full course meals, presents, touches of affection... all these bring in warmth.

My Christmas has a lot of warmth in it. 

Despite us not having those Christmas traditions most families would have, like having to perform in front of relatives and the like or having the entire kin meet up for a day or two, we try to get in as much warmth into our celebration as possible. Even if my mom just got back from work at the clinic or being called in for an emergency or papa had things to take care of (for business) other than the holiday dinner, we try not to let such things trouble us much and just bury it in what followed that night. 

We don't have reunions. Our family is so dispersed that calling in each one would be such a great inconvenience. Worth it and probable, yes. And I'm not saying that they dislike the idea. You just can't call on everyone to rendezvous in one place for two weeks or less for the sole reason it's Christmas Eve and you want to dine together. You have to be practical about it. The cost for lodging and food, and they have jobs to take care of too, can be a great hindrance. You can never be selfish; even though you want to be and you do have a point to think so since it is Christmas. You cannot expect, especially when the concerned party has a family of their own, for them to just come to you because Christmas is to be spent with 'family'.

That's why when I think of Christmas I never really think about family. There's just me and my parents and younger brothers. A Facebook greeting to other relatives and a phone call to my grandparents. That's all there is. For some reason, I'm okay with it. Used to it perhaps. The warmth I search for is there nonetheless. 

Still I can't help but think how it would be if things were any different. If how we celebrated Christmas was similar to how other people celebrated it. But I guess that's too much to ask for.

I'm content with how it is with mine. :)

Dreams

I had this dream.

I was pregnant in that dream.

I wasn't happy, to say the least.

I was looking out into the ocean, listening to waves come up the shore. I couldn't feel the sand beneath my feet, so I assumed I was at the pier.

In that dream, I remembered telling the man I loved to leave me. I didn't want to force him into the relationship we shared. The baby was unplanned, and it felt like he was staying just because I had the baby, his child, and not because he loved me. Not because he cared for the baby.

I told him that if he loved me and cared for the child, he will come back. I told him I can work before the baby comes. Perhaps at a bookshop. He didn't have to support me for I can do so on my own. I didn't hear his reply. I couldn't even make out his face. But I knew he was hesitant about it. I felt it. And I also knew he wanted to leave.

I was holding him back. He was not supposed to be with me. I took his life from him. I burdened him. He was unhappy.

I didn't want my child to know that. I didn't want to see myself as a burden either.

"Leave."

And he did.

In the dream, I knew I loved him. I just wasn't sure if he loved me back.

But I hoped he would come back to me, as I stared out into the sea. One day he'll turn up at the doorstep, with a smile on his face and his arms wide open, beckoning me into his embrace. And his eyes… they would be pouring with love. I would drown in that love. The baby will kick, jumping in joy for it felt his mother was happy. Happy that father came back for him and her.

I just hoped.

I knew it was futile to expect as I continue on looking out. I must have done it everyday for the heaviness continued gaining weight.

And I woke up.

I woke up, promising myself that I should never come to such an end. I will never come to love such a man. 

Thoughts: Overcoming Loneliness

Man is incapable of being alone.

As I walked down the cobbled steps that lead to the main road. It was eerily quiet.

How can man be able to live like this?

After having accustomed oneself to companionship, how is one able to get back to settling back alone without yearning for the presence of the other?

That's the main reason why I didn't want to become too close. Imagine the hurt that comes after the separation. During, there's not much to think about. There's still that hope that you'll see each other again. Some day. But when the days pass, weeks stretch to months, and the possibility of finding each other again grows thin, the ache starts to settle in. You start to curse at the heavens for it being unfair, for it hand-picking you from the lot to be one of those who suffer.

"Why should I be subject to such pain? Such torment?"

"I never deserved this!"

We always think that. And the more we do, the more we hate. The more we fuel our anger, our contempt, at something (or someone) whom we cannot even concretize. The inability to pass the blame on something tangible forces you to be angry with yourself. To despise yourself.

To regret.

"Why did I do this? Would it have been better if I didn't?"

Possibilities. Endless possibilities. You wouldn't have been able to predict these from happening. Never.

But you can still continue on hoping. Go through their Facebook accounts and see how happy they are on the other side. Occasionally catch them online, chat for a moment, then they tell you they had to go since they had to take care of something and will catch up with you some other time.

When?

You stare at the gray bubble, hoping that it turns green again.

What happened? Why did things come to this? Before these chats would last for hours. We end at the wee hours of the morning, only to continue with the conversation later that day. If I tell you to meet up, we meet up. If I tell you I was bored, we go out and do something silly.

You were within reach.

Always within my reach.

But now you aren't, and what did you leave me with?

Memories.

Memories that continue to torment me. Haunting me. Hurting me.

Should I have been better off without meeting you? Would it have been a more painless transition?  All I can do is smile as I go over our old pictures. Photographs of the past. Frozen. Still. Never aging.

Maybe this is the reason why man can't be alone.

We need someone whom we know would be there when we get back from work. We need someone within our reach.

Friends have their own lives to worry about. They are temporary. They cannot always be there for you whenever you need them. They can turn against you, they can forget about you.

Your life is not their concern.

But that someone… how are they any different? Don't they also have their own life to worry about? Aren't they also temporary? Limited? Can't they also turn against you? Forget about you?

You hope that they won't.

You believe they won't.

You trust they won't.

So you still hurt.

You hurt even more because of how much you believed in them. How much you trusted them. How much you hoped that they would be different from the others.

Risk.

And again another set of painful memories await.

Man is incapable of being alone… but he is better off alone.

If you don't want to get hurt, to feel empty when the other half left, don't make friends. Don't meet anyone new. Don't interact.

Distance yourself.

However, you are never assured you can keep at this forever.

There is always this one person who would initiate. Who would dare approach you from the crowd and say hi. Who would dare tell you their name and ask for yours. And you couldn't do anything but answer back in kind.

The cycle continues.

Prepare to be hurt. It's inevitable.

You'll be angry with yourself for falling into the same trap again. You will regret ever making the same choice. But you won't mind that as the relationship progresses. You'll be happy. You'll hope for forever. A temporary high. Assuming. Reassuring.

And that's all you.

So try not to be so hard on yourself. You're only human. 

Thoughts: Never

You'll never find out.

You'll never find out how much I liked you.

Even if you did come across these petty notes of mine.... each one of them filled with such longing... You can't tell if it was meant for you.

You won't be able to.

You're stupid that way. You choose to be. I hope you continue on being so. 

Good that you are for I don't want to spoil anything just because of this silly infatuation I am supposed to have grown out of.

So I watch you walk away. A smile on my face. I want to laugh at your obliviousness. It's just too funny!

I draw air in. 

That was a good laugh.

I wipe away the drop that formed at the corner of my eye.

Nothing's going to hurt me anymore. 

You disappear.  

This will be the last. I don't want another you to come by. 

But if he ever comes... I won't budge. My heart won't. I won't give in...

It won't.

Dialogue

The leaves rustle. Branches sway. The sky was jet black with specks of starlight. The moon shining brightly. It was full.

Lying in an open field was a boy and girl. The girl was wearing a white shirt underneath her worn out jumpers. Her hair was a chestnut brown, a darker shade in the night. On her left was a boy, his hair just as black as the night sky. His complexion was fair, very fair, practically glowing under the moonlight. 

She

What do you think?

He regarded her at the corner of his eye.

He

About what?

She

Me?

He

What about you?

She

Is there something wrong with me?

He

Now what makes you think that?

She

Is there something wrong with me? I asked you first.

He

I refuse to answer.

She

Why won't you answer me?

He

Because there's nothing wrong with you.

She

There isn't?

He

None.

She

...

He

Your turn to answer.

She

What?

He

Why did you ask?

She

Just curious. No particular reason.

He

I've known you for so long... enough to know that you're lying. What made you ask?

She

Who said I was lying? It's not my fault you don't believe me.

He knew that there was nothing else he can do about it. She wasn't going to tell him why. Something was wrong.

She

How was your 'date' with Sally yesterday?

The emphasis on the word was not lost to him. It was only until then did she flop on her stomach to look at him. Interested was she.

He

It was fun. We went to see Uncle Drew. She got herself a new wheel for her bicycle. And it wasn't a date.

She

It wasn't?

He

It wasn't.

She

Oh...

He

Why do you want me to be with her so much?

She went back to her usual position now. Her eyes fixed on the twinkling lights.

She

...

He

Why?

She

Is it wrong for me to think it?

He

Can't it be with another girl?

She

You don't like Sally?

He

It's not that I don't like her... I can't... I just can't be me with her. 

She

You just need to spend more time with her that's all. You'll like being with her in time.

He

...

She

What?

He

I don't get you at all...

She

Hm?

He

Nothing, nothing.

They continue on in silence. Lost in their own thoughts. One did not dare push the subject any further. 

It was fear.

It had always been.

Neither one of them wanted to risk it. They would just have to be content with what they have... with what they share. 

Content.

But are they?

Thoughts: Shifting Out

Sometimes, you can’t help but be part of the audience.

Unsuspectingly, you become part of it.

Helping myself to a Mcflurry with Oreo Overload, I watch intently: family reunions, friends conversing over piles of fries, and couples spending time together, just talking about who knows what, in tables situated by the corners or near a wall or window. 

These are strangers interacting with one another as music plays softly in the background. The rest of the world just fades away as they drown in each other’s presence.

I can’t help but think how many people I have yet to meet in this planet. I have yet to have them in my life, and I have yet to be in theirs.

“What are they talking about?”

“If I had lived differently… if I was a different person, if my parents hadn't met, by a sliver of chance would I have met these people before me now?"

What would it be like if I did?

A lot of what-ifs.

One can't help but ask "What if...?" every now and then we find ourselves asking. 

"What if it didn't happen?" 

There a number of things that could have been and a number that couldn't. You just have to remember that you are not in control. 

You have never been. 

If you were, would there be such a thing as the unexpected? Unexpected meetings with people you would have least expected to become a part of your life, to have their names on your pages. Their faces, character, everything about them, etched in your memories. Chances you never knew that would come your way. 

You never know how things turn out in the end, whatever decision you make. You might have planned your whole life before you, but there's no guarantee that you'll follow it through.

I guess this is where the problem lies in all of us. We tend to look back and think life would have been better IF we chose the other.

How sure were you it would have been?

Could it be that you're here now for a reason?

There must be. 

There must be a reason why I'm not with those group of people in front of me, laughing at something I have no clue about. There must be a reason I'm not that girl cuddling with the guy at the corner. There must be a reason why I'm here, alone in my seat, eating McFlurry and typing away in my laptop.

Yes, things might have been a whole lot different, there's no denying it. But I don't know if it would have been better. What was important was that you decided, it was your choice alone and you stuck to it. You walked from point A to B. There's a reason you walked. There's a reason why you didn't stop. 

And nothing will stop you until you find out why.

Thoughts: Hoping

The light falls on the canopy. Gray buildings rush past my field of vision, the clouds a dark, intimidating hue of blue. I wonder if it will rain...

It was the day of the NMAT and everyone was in high spirits. Well... most of them I think. The car I was in slowed down to a halt. Regine, who was beside me, was busy reading Physics. I couldn't care any less. Cramming information into my brain now won't be of any use. 

The street was brimming with vehicles of all shapes and sizes, carrying one or a whole group. Students all over Manila were rushing in to get to their assigned rooms. Some decided to spend their time reading up. They were seated on stone benches browsing over worn out notebooks with pages covered with ink smudges. I guess those notebooks dated back three years ago and saw the light of day only weeks before. 

"I wonder how I would do?" that was the only thing that kept on running in my head days prior. Would it have made any difference if I studied? Would I still feel this unease? I wasn't feeling well at all. I had a headache, and my stomach was being rather cruel. "Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten breakfast..." 

I got down the car. We decided to cover the remaining distance on foot. My friends and I made our way to the Information Desk to meet up with the others. There were two of us who'll be taking it the first time, the rest were doing it the second time. Only one was at her third take, in hopes of getting a 99+.

"Should we go to our room?" I asked, after getting pencils from Kim.

Regine nodded and the group split up, agreeing to rendezvous at lunch in one of the kiosks behind the hospital. 

"This is the building, right?" we were assigned to Albertus Magnus. 

"AMV... could be the Accountancy building." having checked the campus blueprint, with the testing areas shaded, it must be AMV.

But it wasn't. We had to go farther down the Accountancy building to get to Albertus Magnus. 

"Someone doesn't want me to take the NMAT." I joked. Why wasn't it shaded and indicated on the map? 

Since Regine's room was on the second floor, we separated. "Room 319." 

UST has a weird way of assigning room numbers. The room before mine was 317. 318 was on the other side. "I wonder why..."

I waited out along with other students. I don't know from what school they were from, I wasn't even sure if they were still students! There were those who looked like they were already working. They could be taking the NMAT for fun or they just realized at their age what it is that they wanted to do. The moment of self-realization comes later in others, I guess. 

Well, at least that moment comes. Better late than never. I'm still at a loss at what I want to do. But I have a rough sketch of what it is I want to accomplish. For me, there's a difference between what you want to do and what you want to happen. Whatever you want to happen you can make happen regardless of what you do. Just make it a point to always have that objective in mind. 

I want to inform. I want people to be updated. I want to discover something new that is beneficial to human kind. How to make that happen is up to me if I want to make it happen. There should be a want, a desire, to make it real.

Let's say I can't be a doctor. Let's say I can't be a researcher. But since I have such goals I want to be realized, whatever profession I can make it work. 

So I guess there's nothing much to worry about. Things might not go according to plan, but who knows? Eventually they might. Progress is slow, but it doesn't mean nothing's changing. Minimal but moving. I guess those who appeared to be working and took the NMAT were those people who couldn't wait anymore. Like what another friend of mine said, "We cannot delay gratification." We need to see change. I think it is only through that we gain assurance. Assurance that we are doing something worth it.

I might reach that point: too impatient... frustrated... seeing my life as utterly pointless. But I'll just focus on what I have now and see where it brings me. I just hope I will be content with the outcome.

The unease should wear off by now. 

"Arielle Vidal." the proctor called out behind rimmed spectacles.

"Here."